I believe there are monsters born in the world to human parents. Some you can see, misshapen and horrible, with huge heads or tiny bodies… . And just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or a malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul?

The narrator uses these words to introduce Cathy Ames in Chapter 8 of the novel. Throughout the novel, Cathy displays an evil that is so thorough that it borders on implausible, and the narrator makes several attempts to explain and understand Cathy’s existence. He hypothesizes that although Cathy is physically beautiful, she is a “psychic monster,” a being with a mental deformity analogous to others’ external, physical deformities. Later in the novel, the narrator revises his opinion of Cathy and wonders whether he was right in calling her a monster. He seems to become somewhat more sympathetic toward Cathy, musing that “since we cannot know what she wanted, we will never know whether or not she got it.” Indeed, Cathy’s motivations remain a mystery throughout East of Eden, as her schemes seem to have no concrete goal or aim—a problem that critics have singled out in their writings on Steinbeck’s novel.

Sparknotes

Wow sparknotes though, spot on; “since we cannot know what she wanted, we will never know whether or not she got it.”

 We impose this dual good/evil construct upon the gray mud of natural world.. There’s so much mystery beyond our perception of evil.

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Tuesday, 29th July

Social media is the uprecedented, largest outlet for the broadcasting of loneliness.
The shameless search for connection, belonging and validation; it’s seen as taboo. Most people still prefer to cry in secret, to wear masks; to be like wild animals that can’t show weakness. The opposite- reaching out, this desperation for expression, & voraciously wanting connection; I’m guilty of. But I think it’s my job.
And then again, the internet is a strange semi-real space. What counts, what doesn’t? We enjoy seeing our lives projected onto things like glowing films. We can edit it; decide what we do and don’t like about ourselves; the dramas, the segments we omit; it’s a specific type of creation we use to shape ourselves.
Is it true?- I guess truth seems to be the main debate. But speaking for myself I’d like to think I’m honest.

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Tuesday, 29th July

I’m not going to forget you

but I’m not going to remember you either

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Monday, 28th July

If I extend to be even more expressive, what’s the effect? Who is listening? Lately I feel like I’m some annoying radio channel with static, just buzzing away; something I can’t escape and something for whomever near to me is just.. subjected to.
I prefer this to silences I used to be. But what is this noise I’m making? Does anyone actually enjoy listening to it all? Or merely select pieces? Or is the meaning only ever mine?
It’s like how I felt when I used to be quieter. However loud, frequencies go unheard; or uncared for, forgotten.

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Monday, 21st July

-heart keeps a library;
familiar stories, film; familiar music
passages to be read again and again,
screenings on dark walls,
records spinning countlessly
registering like the reverberations of a cathedral soloist;
my personal culture, my least corruptible memories.

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Friday, 18th July

A year ago I was dizzy with things ending. A whole era of my life, school, it was done, and I had lost more than a few things I loved. I was struck with dilemmas of freedom. This freedom has been scary, but has also brought me a new type of joy. And now I’m realizing this is still such a beginning. I feel like I’ve finally settled into an intuition. I’ve blindly followed myself to places I knew I belonged. I envisioned myself doing certain things I wanted to do, and I’ve done them. I’m envisioning myself doing things, becoming things, and I am getting there. I know now that I’m actually in motion. And I’d like to think I’m stronger and more solid than I’ve ever given myself credit for. I can’t wait to find meaning, to be in love, to find peace, to be myself in all capacities.

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Thursday, 10th July
Electric designs
A few of my favorite things: bikes, horses, trails and good company #montrosebikeshop #cyclocross

A few of my favorite things: bikes, horses, trails and good company #montrosebikeshop #cyclocross

Starting cx training!

Starting cx training!

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Friday, 4th July
#acamp reflections. Feels like it was ‘but a dream’. And I want to aspire to unicornism, a unicornist state of being, unicornify, etc etc. #stupidnighthoughts

#acamp reflections. Feels like it was ‘but a dream’. And I want to aspire to unicornism, a unicornist state of being, unicornify, etc etc. #stupidnighthoughts

🎨

🎨

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Monday, 30th June

I’ve been getting more bruises lately.

I’ve thought more about the bones in my work- maybe they’re not really about death. More about suffering, but I’d rather use the word ‘feeling’. And feeling is an opposite of death. My bones are about basal structure, beauty; the core of things. The bottom of the sea, the largest tide. But of course, they’re bones- they are death too- they’re this constant acknowledgement of grief.

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Monday, 30th June