I realize now there are things I felt like a stranger doing
like those weird dreams I have in the morning and wake up to forget.
people tell you that change is for the better, that stepping outside of your comfort zone is a good thing. but there’s steps, and sometimes there are dives. bouts of an Icarus complex (which I -appropriately- didn’t even think I had at the time).
I’m going to be following my intuition more. I’ll have to continue asking myself, “Is this me?”
I can allow myself to be unsure, but I want to be more deliberate.
my guts hate me.
“During the latter part of his school career he grew increasingly aware of and absorbed in human personality. It came to seem to him that the only thing of any account in life was the intimacy of one person with another, in fact with a perfect mate. His whole attention was given to the task of finding for himself the perfect mate. Gradually he began to realize that he would never succeed, and indeed that success was almost impossible. It seemed to him that human beings were doomed to miss for ever the only goal worth seeking, and that in their fated striving for it they must ever lacerate one another.”
Olaf Stapledon, Last Men in London
my sister just scared me because she appeared out of nowhere in front of me
and I screamed and scared her
it’s even better because I was calling her because I found sushi of hers in the fridge
and she usually doesn’t like it when I just go and eat it
so I called to ask her permission and I went up the stairs and almost turned the corner into her room when she popped out
and the hallway was dark
so yeah when I get scared and it’s safe to, I usually fall to the ground
so I was on the ground laughing and still trying to ask her if I could eat the sushi
there are still little tear stains here from days before. they’re easy to see ‘cause they’re an opaque sort of chalky white with lighter linear edging on my black desk.
there are notepads now, I take notes. -need to learn more ways to put my hair up. prints. projection mapping. wax horses. deadline. apply. concert ticket. whales. dream-
[I feel I’ve forgotten how to look at people, and speak. when did this happen? I am four years in the past again. I am the same person in the same place, different time, doing the same things- hahahahah- (she wrote “don’t ever change” in my yearbook).]
change scenery. look, speak. give. be better.
remember the beautiful places I’ve been. was I more myself when I let go of fragments there, on the roads and shorelines, dropped like pebbles into canyons, wished upon little ice crystals on a plane window-
because with places like these, like the ocean of clouds up there at sunset, I always got the sense that there’s a far better version of me and a more wonderful life, even more so than the one I love now.
there’s a higher place, a place where
I expect I’ll leave
little tear stains
(and I love, I promise