I need help, this climate is making me sick.
I’ve been feeling like what I have to offer is received with apathy at best. I’ve been feeling rejected lately in big ways; undervalued.

This society doesn’t value creative work as much as other fields.
I tried some things and failed. I’ve been free, I’ve been lost.
This society tells you to specialize in one thing and make it a career. It’s so one-dimensional. People get so uninteresting. I want to do many things, I want to live with importance, never monotony. I don’t know where to start.
People are cruel. Some don’t want my friendship, they don’t want any part of me at all. I feel neglected more than I realize. I feel like so few value my expression. We make it so that we’re all fighting alone.

I’m not doing nothing. If I got a job I hated, that would be nothing. Money is nothing, money doesn’t show much. Life is in the mind, not in stacks of paper, not in numbers of stale white columns.
I’m collecting experiences. I’m being myself, I’m doing things that are important to me, that bring me joy, even though they haven’t paid me a cent. It’s more than nothing. It’s something.

I have many skills; I’m not going to have a specific career. And for this I feel rejected, pressured, outcast.
I need to know I’ll be ok. I need to know that there’s a way to be independent like this with a joyful life. I want meaning. I want to share whatever I have to give, I want to be able to continue doing things I love. Where do I go?
I was just sitting there, angry and hurt, just chanting in my mind
“I’m not doing nothing.”

-
Sunday, 31st August

keola22:

But always, always, always
it is here with you;
silent, ferocious,
beautiful.

image

-
Saturday, 30th August
Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death.
 Song of Solomon 8:6

(Source: keola22)

-
Saturday, 30th August
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
Prufrock, T.S.Eliot
-
Friday, 22nd August

to sit outside in the night, to sit with the soul of pain
and not hassle it; to feel it like the passing of darkness into morning.
to wait, to wait under white sheets, within white walls,
with the hours, the tensed clinging, fighting; tones of words, of gut sounds sharper than truth.
to wait.
to sit with it. sit with it long enough to feel you know it a little. you may feel it again, but maybe
you will be more at ease.
we will have our peace.

-
Thursday, 21st August
A genius is the one most like [themselves].

Thelonious Monk

-
Sunday, 17th August
We met here at a place where ‘lifelong’ begins. We’ve seen each other grow so much in less than a year. Sometimes mere hours or days imprint more meaning than months or years combined. We’ve shared important times, and it has still only just begun. I love you and wish the best for you both. & much love to my Acampers. “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” -Henry David Thoreau
#acamp
We met here at a place where ‘lifelong’ begins. We’ve seen each other grow so much in less than a year. Sometimes mere hours or days imprint more meaning than months or years combined. We’ve shared important times, and it has still only just begun. I love you and wish the best for you both.
& much love to my Acampers.

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”
-Henry David Thoreau

#acamp

-
Sunday, 17th August
we’re all bumper cars, with disembodied metal shells
but I can’t stand reckless people.

Read More

-
Thursday, 14th August

help, I’m tired of feeling irreparable
I get bruises on my bruises

-
Wednesday, 13th August

Going through posts on my old blog. They’re kinda prophetic in parts, and scary that way, but mostly entirely genuine. They continue to be relevant

Read More

-
Wednesday, 13th August

So I’m figuring this out— the piano comes in and it’s this entirely new entity; and it’s so singular, it breaks over you like a wave; you’re submerged into something that’s absolutely breathing. The piano is a fluttering, fragile, unstable heart; and it gets paired with the steadier melody of the strings, keeping this little individual thing afloat in the world. And the booming organ is the largest current, like some sort divine presence, guiding it all. And then the heart has grown, it’s giant and it starts soaring over everything. Just the immense range of tonal color, so much depth, and vitality, I fucking love it

-
Monday, 11th August

There was some day last week where he said I was quieter than usual. I told him I have dreams where I cry in my sleep, and wake up feeling strange from them for the rest of the day. If not sad, I’m more solemn; close to some weird edge. I think I’ve been like this a lot lately. And I feel it when some dreams are heavier than others. The dream I had was about someone I loved leaving forever, on some road trip. I’m to the side silently praying some goodbye and they’re in the passenger’s seat, blankly looking ahead.

'This is a shrine to the bruises in my heart inflicted by people I let close by loving'

-
Monday, 11th August

well, this.  28:00

So I go back to the cabin and for the first time in a long time I’m trying to hide my eyes from everyone.. There are times when you cry a little and it doesn’t show so much after a little while, and other times where you cry beyond point of reparation, and it’s just going to show as something strange on your face for hours afterwards. So this is one of those times, and I’m still feeling on edge, and feeling how easy it is to break back into it all at any given moment. Yea, I break, I snap, I can feel things crack inside sometimes. The driver’s seat of my car is every sort of volatile feeling;

those dark woods, punctuated by bright cabin lights, bringing me to some strange place where I’m lighter, less anxious; I’m burning things whenever I look into the campfire.

And I guess that night I unexpectedly fell through a few levels of earth and finally, as I lay winded on my back, it’s all in front of me: a quietness, and the Milky Way passing by above. I wasn’t alone. I was grateful, I was exhausted; and for the moment, sitting closer to peace than I remember being for such a long time.
There is too much I wish I knew about my pulse, but for the most part I know that I can follow it anywhere.

-
Saturday, 9th August

I have dreams where I’m kissed by not-so-strangers

and waking up becomes the strangest part

-
Friday, 8th August