If I extend to be even more expressive, what’s the effect? Who is listening? Lately I feel like I’m some annoying radio channel with static, just buzzing away; something I can’t escape and something for whomever near to me is just.. subjected to.
I prefer this to silences I used to be. But what is this noise I’m making? Does anyone actually enjoy listening to it all? Or merely select pieces? Or is the meaning only ever mine?
It’s like how I felt when I used to be quieter. However loud, frequencies go unheard; or uncared for, forgotten.

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Monday, 21st July

-heart keeps a library;
familiar stories, film; familiar music
passages to be read again and again,
screenings on dark walls,
records spinning countlessly
registering like the reverberations of a cathedral soloist;
my personal culture, my least corruptible memories.

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Friday, 18th July

A year ago I was dizzy with things ending. A whole era of my life, school, it was done, and I had lost more than a few things I loved. I was struck with dilemmas of freedom. This freedom has been scary, but has also brought me a new type of joy. And now I’m realizing this is still such a beginning. I feel like I’ve finally settled into an intuition. I’ve blindly followed myself to places I knew I belonged. I envisioned myself doing certain things I wanted to do, and I’ve done them. I’m envisioning myself doing things, becoming things, and I am getting there. I know now that I’m actually in motion. And I’d like to think I’m stronger and more solid than I’ve ever given myself credit for. I can’t wait to find meaning, to be in love, to find peace, to be myself in all capacities.

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Thursday, 10th July
Electric designs
A few of my favorite things: bikes, horses, trails and good company #montrosebikeshop #cyclocross

A few of my favorite things: bikes, horses, trails and good company #montrosebikeshop #cyclocross

Starting cx training!

Starting cx training!

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Friday, 4th July
#acamp reflections. Feels like it was ‘but a dream’. And I want to aspire to unicornism, a unicornist state of being, unicornify, etc etc. #stupidnighthoughts

#acamp reflections. Feels like it was ‘but a dream’. And I want to aspire to unicornism, a unicornist state of being, unicornify, etc etc. #stupidnighthoughts

🎨

🎨

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Monday, 30th June

I’ve been getting more bruises lately.

I’ve thought more about the bones in my work- maybe they’re not really about death. More about suffering, but I’d rather use the word ‘feeling’. And feeling is an opposite of death. My bones are about basal structure, beauty; the core of things. The bottom of the sea, the largest tide. But of course, they’re bones- they are death too- they’re this constant acknowledgement of grief.

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Monday, 30th June

so what happens now, where do I go from hereit’s all just begun, and I can’t wait to discover things I can’t even conceive of now; all the moments;
to get stronger,
to fall in love.

she’s the type of girl that sighs all the time, not intentionally, not over any one thing. she just takes deep breaths.
I think she was 12 when she realized the soft edges of some foreign world. ballet restlessness, graceful lines
and only her eyes could ever follow them to where dejavus live.
she thinks she’s been there before, she touched down upon it in a dream
like some silty mud bottom of a lake shore.

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Wednesday, 25th June

I’m starting to think that some people treat others’ as if they’re various places, from mundane to exotic; and they’re tourists in these places, just passing through. And I guess there are superior tourists in some sense. They’re better than one who just sees sights and moves on- they would rather stay there a bit longer, soak up the culture there, leave more saturated.

I won’t ever forget certain places. There was a smile that was some sun drenched cliff by the sea, a breath some wave below; those hills were similar to the light on your shoulders. Some tiny ice crystal on a plane window was that first time you ever touched me. I want to be a place where someone travels to return again. Like how I’ve left pieces of myself tucked under a red rock next to some sheer canyon wall. Melted into the ground with the rain during the deepest thunderstorm I had ever heard. Left under some golden light by an oak tree. I want someone to be familiar with the soil here, how the clouds move. What the stars look like reflected in dark lakes. Put your hands in the mud. Stay with me.

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Monday, 23rd June
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Sunday, 22nd June